No not me! Not by a long shot. I’m not even dating. I just got news that a guy friend from L.A. has proposed to his girlfriend of 6 months. They went to high school together like 10 years ago but were never friends. Is it just me or is this shit weird? I don’t know. 6 months is NOT a sufficient amount of time to get to know someone. Shit the ex-fiance and I were together for more than 2 years and turns out I still didn’t know him well enough. I want to be happy for my friend yet I want to tell him to be a fucking realist. OK that’s harsh. I know. Maybe I’m a little bitter…maybe.
It just does not make sense. No matter how many times I try to wrap my big head around the concept of proposing after 6 months I can’t. Just. Does. Not. Compute. Strangely enough one of my best friends thinks I’ll be married by next year. He just has that feeling. Ummm I’m not even seeing anybody and as much as I have been hurt I doubt I’ll be married by next year. Though I secretly hope I’ll have a great relationship with someone amazing.
Then this scary thought creeps into my head. We’re getting older and I know for myself day by day the things I want and need become clearer. I no longer accept nor reward bad behavior. I’m more comfortable in my skin. I’m more comfortable all around really. So maybe that’s the key. Being comfortable with yourself and the other person. Maybe that’s what they have. Comfort. I always thought love had to be this grand, passionate, emotional…thing. Now I just want to be happy, loved, needed and respect by the person I’m with. No need for trips around the world, or expensive jewelry, shopping sprees etc..these were what made up my last relationship and I was damn near miserable because he didn’t respect me. Nope no more grandiose shit for me. Just be real and cool and lovely. I hope my friend has that and everything else he wishes for
Have you been engaged after a short time dating? Did you marry that person? Has it lasted?
I know that I have been missing in action but I really wanted these past few weeks to settle myself. I wanted to feel the joy of finally living in my new place and keep it to myself for a while. I love coming home, throwing down my purse, kicking off my shoes, pouring a nice glass of wine and getting mentally lost watching HGTV. My new place is beyond fabulous! Not just physically but how I feel when I walk in. I love just sitting at home and taking in the peace and quiet. I haven’t had that in almost a year and I cherish this time tremendously. My friend/roommate and I have varying schedules. I work ALOT of overtime so I’m usually gone by 7am and home by 7pm and he works long hours and is on call at the hospital several days a week. It works out perfectly.
Work. Oh work has gotten 80% better. I took my vacation 2 weeks ago and when I got back I was informed that I was still in the same department but I would be answering to a different supervisor. Apparently they held a meeting while I was away and my new supervisor demanded I be on his team. You see my old supervisor was dealing with alot of personal issues ( her father just passed away, she’s divorcing etc…) and alot of her negative energy was targeted at me and others. They knew I was at my breaking point and I was “thisclose” to calling it quits. I really think they feared I wouldn’t return from my vacation lol. But as I sat at my desk that Monday morning new supervisor ran in with the biggest smile on his face and said ” Your with me now. No more CR. I wanted you. You do great work. I really wanted you”. I cannot even put into words the amount of stress that was lifted from this little body of mine. Now when I go into work I feel confident, I haven’t fucked up once and I leave with a smile EVERYDAY. It’s amazing how other people’s negativity can impact your sense of self so deeply.
And fun. These past two weeks have been the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I’m enjoying walking around my new city. Hitting the beach with my roomie and catching up with old friends. Once a month a few girlfriends and I have a ladies night. Since everyone is a little strapped for cash we decided to hold it at my new place. We had a ball! I haven’t laughed, eaten and drank so much in a long time. Everyone brought a dish or drinks and we just talked, danced, took pics and down right acted a god damned fool until 2am.
With all I’ve been through in the past year I would tend to forget how pleasurable life can be. That it’s OK to come off of survival mode and allow yourself to just live in the what-ifs. These two weeks have been such a joy and I’m really hoping it lasts.
I am finally moving out of my family’s home. A great friend from L.A. and I have been searching for the perfect place for months. Last sunday we finally found it. A sweet oversized 2bed. 2 bath condo in dowtown Stamford, C.T. It’s walking distance to all the wonderful night life but situated on a tree lined quiet street. We have the top floor so there will be no clack clack clacking above our heads. Oh the joy. The pure, giggly, can’t stop breaking out in random dance moves ( my co-workers think it’s funny) joy I’m feeling about finally living like an adult again lol.
So my friend/roommate and I have this new saying.
“When I move to Stamford”…
We have all these fun to do things like visit all the art galleries, hit the beach since it’s about 2 miles away, head out to NYC more, seeing if we can drunk walk home as we are only 4 blocks from the main strip etc… Oh and the absolute best is he is giving me free reign to decorate our new digs. He knows how important it is to me since I feel like I haven’t had a place to call “my own” in years.
So we move in on the 22nd of this month which happens to be the first day of my vacation. Talk about great timing. Now I won’t feel rushed or anxious to clean the place and get it in order. I can take my time and introduce myself to our new space. Let it know that I will take good care of it and in return hope it takes good care of us. Home should be a place of fun, laughter, joy, peace and rest.
Very much looking forward to living that way again
I’m tired. I feel defeated. Today had to be one of the worst days at work. Every day I walk in I feel like a failure. Granted what I do now is a very small part of what I have done in my field for almost 10 years. But somehow things at work are just not clicking. I’ve always excelled and been promoted quickly at previous jobs. Even when I had my own business I was successful doing it on my own.
But at this company:
I make little mistakes.
I feel clusmy & am constantly second guessing myself.
I hate it. Simply hate it.
From day one it was instilled in me from my supervisor to fear the “higher ups”. When they bark you come running. No seriously you better run! Never have them explain anything just try to figure it out. My supervisor lives in this constant state of flighty fear and it makes the office so uneasy. Making fear based decisions is something that I am working on overcoming and this job damn sure isn’t helping that. I feel like I’m living inthe movie ”The Devil Wears Prada” EVERYDAY.
It sucks because everyday I go in with my game face on, a good attitude and positive thoughts that I will not fuck up today. But somehow I fuck up. I’m balancing over $150k and I’ll be off by 20 cents! It can take hours to find that damn 20 cents. Or I’ll refer something to my supervisor and it mysteriously goes missing. This job has me so depressed and beat by 5pm. So by the encouragement of my family, friends, head & heart I will be sending out my resume again.
Until something better comes along I’ll continue giving it my best. As long as the checks clear.
I have just spent the past 20 minutes looking at Los Angeles apartments on craigslist.Even though I’m back in New York it’s just something I do as a reminder that I have to finish what I started here to get back there.I look at the old neighborhoods I’ve lived in and frown as I look at the spike in rentals.I lived in a gorgeous pre-war 1 bedroom in the Miracle Mile area in 2006-2007 for $1050/month.Something like that now goes for well over $1800! It’s a reminder to get my butt in gear so I can at least afford to live in my old stopping grounds.
While looking at these listings it reminded me of a man I had met when I first moved to Southern California.He was actually the mover that moved me from Santa Monica to Miracle Mile.He was beautiful.Just handsome. Blond hair, blue eyes, tall with a swimmers body.He was just an all around nice guy who liked me a lot.I remember the first time I went to his place.It was a run down little building on the east side where he rented a room for $400/month.I remember how proud he was to show it to me.You see before he had this room he was homeless.Living in his van or on the beach.He even confessed to agreeing to be some rich mans boyfriend just to have a roof over his head, even though he wasn’t gay.His life in L.A. had been rocky but he was so grateful for his little room.I eyed that room.The mattress on the floor.The dingy carpet. The bathroom where he washed himself and the dishes since he had no kitchen.I tried not to judge him.I didn’t know his story.But I couldn’t help thinking “who’d be proud to live in this”?
But I get it now.I am literally starting over since leaving L.A.I’m far from homeless since I live with my family again but I don’t have my own space.There is constant noise and just way too many adults & a two year old living in a small space. I am however in the process of moving out on my own again.But in the meantime I’ll keep looking at these rentals reminding myself that I’ll be there again someday…soon.
Ohhhh what I wouldn’t do for a $400 a month room lol.
Today is day 90 of my 90 day sex fast! I am so overjoyed that I did it. I’ve proven alot of things to myself throught this experience. I’ve proven that I can complete something. Especially because I feel like I haven’t had a good foundation for the past few months. It has also proven that the men worthy of me will stick around even when they know they are not getting any. And they have stuck around. Of course there was the occasional “I’m gonna try to change your mind”. But after they knew I was unmoved in my decision I had their 100% support.
The past 90 days haven’t been as tough as I thought they would be. I was still allowed to get myself off so I wasn’t missing sex too much. Now that my 90 days are up I’m actually in no rush to hit the sheets again. It would take a SUPER HOT guy to get me to give up the goods on a whim lol. Like ”this may never happen again” HOT.
I just feel really good everyone. I feel whole. Clean. Accomplished. Just down right lovely.
So I’m not putting a time limit on continuing this fast. I’ve already proven that I can do it. I’m really enjoying keeping these long luscious legs closed. I’m just going to take it day by day.
So I’m scared. There are a few moments in my life where I’ve acted out of fear. I dropped an honors English class because I was the only student of color and felt uncomfortable. Even though I scored an 11 out of 12 on my placement test and was personally asked by the head of the English department to enroll in the honors program. Or the time I wanted to get my bachelors in theatre and had the dean of one of the best theatre schools in New York call me for an admissions interview because he saw me in a play and was highly impressed. I didn’t call him back. Out of fear that I’d wouldn’t be as good as he remembered.I’ve blocked my blessings out of fear.Stunted my growth out of fear.I find myself doing it again.
When I moved back to New York 6 months ago I had and still have every intention on moving back to Southern California within the next 3 years.I’m giving myself this 3 year timeline because I’m changing careers. This career change requires me to go back to school which I am completely ok with.But I’m picking a career that I’m not in love with. Once I’m done with schooling and my residency I’ll be sitting pretty financially but I have no passion for it.I think that being just around the corner from turning 30 and this country’s financial meltdown has me picking money and stability over loving what I do.
I desperately want to be in a creative field.I love acting, art (oh how I miss my African art business) architecture, interior design.Those things are like second nature to me. I wake up every morning and the first sites I’m on are http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/or http://www.hgtv.com/My dream job is hosting an interior design show.Or designing for hotels and homes. I want to paint things and build things with my hands! I day dream about it while sitting at my desk at work and catch myself smiling at those thoughts when I should be concentrating on our patient accounts. But I fear for my financial well being if I choose a creative field.I look in the mirror and could still pass for 21 but I KNOW I’m not a spring chicken anymore.I feel like my days of being ambivalent about how I want my life to be are over. It’s a bit terrifying really.
How I wish I could stop doing things out of fear L
Are you doing what you love?Are you happy or regretful in it?
Today is day 25 of my sex fast. I had decided weeks ago that this is something I needed to do for myself. I’m no longer interested in casual sex. Never really was. I always felt empty afterwards. Not like in a “I feel used” empty but rather a “I wish he’d get up and leave so I can go on about my business empty”. Unless I’m in love I am quite detached when it comes to sex. It’s basically just a release to me. Sometimes I feel like a dude when it comes to sex. Like I just wanna get my nut off and homeboy can bounce before I get out of the shower. I don’t know why I’m like this. Most women want to cuddle and chat afterwards. Not me. It is very rare that I’m in the afterglow after reaching orgasm.
So, I thought a sex fast would do me some good. Partly because I’m bored with feeling nothing afterwards. I like sex ALOT. But I miss having a connection with a partner. I’m also holding out for the real thing as far as relationships. My life is progressing nicely and though I’m not quite ready for committment I’d like to take baby steps towards it. When I think of my next relationship I’d really like to be with someone who wasn’t whoring it out right before he got to me and I want to be the same way for him. Whoever he may be.
Two weeks ago I spent the weekend with a friend/lover. We did nothing sexual. Not even a kiss. He understands where I’m coming from and is just enjoying my company. After a fun filled friday I was pooped and went to bed before him. When I woke up in the middle of the night he was nuzzled behind me spooning me tightly. That’s how we slept the whole weekend. There was something so clean and beautiful about it. He’s with me because he wants to be. Not because he’s expecting to get the goodies everytime he sees me. Unfortunatley that seemed to be the case with alot of men I’ve dated. And I’m over it.
What amazes me is now that I’m fasting for a minimum of 90 days old lovers seem to be coming out of the woodwork. Like they are trying extra hard to get the goodies. It’s damn near comical! But I know what I want and it doesn’t include randome hook ups and empty emotions. Wish me luck
Have you gone through a sex fast? Are you holding out for the real thing?
I’ve been found out. Uncovered. Revealed. Stripped bare.
Last night a friend/former lover of mine told me he found my blog. Not this one. I have a very personal blog that is specifically about my old relationship with the ex-fiance and the warning signs to look out for in abusive relationships etc… Well he found it. I had briefly mentioned my personal blog without going into great detail a few months ago. He told me withoutout a doubt he would find it. How could he find it with millions of blogs out there? There was no way he could. I laughed it off and never entertained that thought again.
But, last night while laying in bed he told me he had found it. He described it perfectly right down to the colors and supportive comments. My heart stopped. He read my thoughts. He knows my truth. He knew the hurt and pain I’ve been through that no one in my life needs to know. He assured me that he didn’t read it, just the comments that were written. Then later on in the night he asked me specific questions that only someone who read my words would know.
I don’t know how I feel about this. Half of me is ok with it because it documents my old life. The other half feels a bit violated I guess. When we blog we put ourselves out there to be judged whether we like it or not. I know he’s not judging me. But it still feels unsettling. I feel relieved that someone I know knows my truth but I don’t know if I like that someone being him. Some of the decisions I made concerning the ex-fiance are embarrassing and I just cringe at the thought of being judged by anyone. I don’t really know if I should continue blogging there or to let it die and start something else. It’s my place to be 100% honest without feeling badly. But now I don’t know if I can feel that way again.
Have you ever been found out by family , friends or former/current lovers?
Saturday night I was propositioned by a good male friend and his friend. Now my good male friend (lets call him Mr. Horny) and I have talked about threesomes before. Somewhere in the very far past I must have told him that I’ve had fantasies of me with two men. Call me a selfish lover but if I’m ever gonna get down with a threesome it has to be all about me. No women allowed.
So when my friend and his super cute friend brought up the idea I did entertain the thought for a quick 10 seconds. But how could I ever look my friend in the face again without feeling weird? I couldn’t so I had to tell them no. They did the typical “oh but it would be so good” “Come on girl this might be your one and only chance” “Are you sure…are you sure?” Yes I was very sure I didn’t want to be screwed by these two men physically or emotionally.
I don’t know if it would have been good or not but I do know that some fantasies should just be that….a fantasy.
Have you been in a threesome? How was it? Did you regret it? Got any tips? lol.
so I wasn’t missing sex too much. Now that my 90 days are up I’m actually in no rush to hit the sheets again. It would take a SUPER HOT guy to get me to give up the goods on a whim lol. Like ”this may never happen again” HOT. 
