So I’m scared. There are a few moments in my life where I’ve acted out of fear. I dropped an honors English class because I was the only student of color and felt uncomfortable. Even though I scored an 11 out of 12 on my placement test and was personally asked by the head of the English department to enroll in the honors program. Or the time I wanted to get my bachelors in theatre and had the dean of one of the best theatre schools in New York call me for an admissions interview because he saw me in a play and was highly impressed. I didn’t call him back. Out of fear that I’d wouldn’t be as good as he remembered. I’ve blocked my blessings out of fear. Stunted my growth out of fear. I find myself doing it again.
When I moved back to New York 6 months ago I had and still have every intention on moving back to Southern California within the next 3 years. I’m giving myself this 3 year timeline because I’m changing careers. This career change requires me to go back to school which I am completely ok with. But I’m picking a career that I’m not in love with. Once I’m done with schooling and my residency I’ll be sitting pretty financially but I have no passion for it. I think that being just around the corner from turning 30 and this country’s financial meltdown has me picking money and stability over loving what I do.
I desperately want to be in a creative field. I love acting, art (oh how I miss my African art business) architecture, interior design. Those things are like second nature to me. I wake up every morning and the first sites I’m on are http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/or http://www.hgtv.com/ My dream job is hosting an interior design show. Or designing for hotels and homes. I want to paint things and build things with my hands! I day dream about it while sitting at my desk at work and catch myself smiling at those thoughts when I should be concentrating on our patient accounts. But I fear for my financial well being if I choose a creative field. I look in the mirror and could still pass for 21 but I KNOW I’m not a spring chicken anymore. I feel like my days of being ambivalent about how I want my life to be are over. It’s a bit terrifying really.
How I wish I could stop doing things out of fear L
Are you doing what you love? Are you happy or regretful in it?
Love & Light
Filed under: Art, Career, Finances, Love, School, Writing, money
well – i don’t LOVE what i do to pay the bills although i do enjoy it BUT i know that it will enable me to obtain the financial stability and means to do what i love to do.
I don’t love what I do and I am taking steps to go back to school in the fall! Even if I have to grind it for a minute. I think my happiness is much more impt!
Don’t be scared girl!
I don’t love what I do, but I’m not depressed either. I say do what you love to do, this recession proves that no career is really safe. Might as well give what you love your all and if it doesn’t work out you have no regrets.
Reflect on what you think are the reasons you feel this way, then make concrete actions to act on it. If you don’t go and face your fears, then you’ll forever be thinking about What Ifs.
Depending on the phases of the moon and the direction of the wind, I do love what I do… But somewhere at the back of my mind there is a little voice that keeps telling me – it is so much better somewhere else. I just have to figure out what this someone else is and whether it is wroth pursuing or does it take too much sacrifice.
No Fear Lady! You are beautiful and obviously talented. Here’s my two cents – we all have choices and have to do what works for us. I know it seems like going to school and getting a “good” career seems safe but is anything safe or guarenteed in this econonomy? Maybe now is the time (since nothing is guarenteed anyway) to FULLY go after your dreams. NYC is full of artistic opportunity right? Let your fear fuel your desires. I struggle with this all the time but my dreams have to win EVERY time! Go for it lady!
Here’s the thing. I take this approach. I am who I am, created by al my past experiences. I am not going to wake up one day and change how I react to fear, and insecurity. I am not going to all of a sudden have a realization. It doesn’t work that way. But, what does work is being secure in your flaws, secure in your uncertainty. You will do what you love, it make to you down different roads, but you will. You need to stay positive, stay open to new experiences. Think of your schooling now as a positive. Don’t view it as a negative. It is not a reaction to fear. Think of it as a stepping stone to the next adventure. The first step at being a true adult, removed from the extended adolescent life we are all living, is to be comfortable in your own skin. You have not made wrong choices, they were just explorations to get you to the right location. What you are doing now is what you are supposed to be doing, and that education will help you with your art… you don’t see it now, but you will later. It doesn’t mean you need to keep doing it, you just need to truly learn from it.
PS: NEVER reply to a blog post on a blackberry…. my grammar is ALL messed up.
I am not doing what I love. It’s time for me to focus and get it together. My talent is definitely wasting away to nothingness.